Pyramid Head and I
by Jack of the Pelt
Summary: Silent Hill 2 is supposed to be a serious game about insanity, misery and death. Unfortunately, none of the cast seem to think so...


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Author's Note: Remember, because this is a parody fan fiction, everybody is going to act totally out of character, and also beware of falling spoilers, so don't read unless you've completed the game! This is my first (and rather lame) attempt at this sort of story, so don't flame me if you don't think this is funny.

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Disclaimer: Silent Hill belongs to Konami, while the various characters that make cameo appearances belong to their respective owners (or themselves), and all are used without permission.

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Pyramid Head and I

By Jack of the Pelt

James Sunderland had been in this nightmarish town for what seemed like hours now, searching for his seemingly dead wife, Mary, who he had thought had died three years previously. He was now in an abandoned apartment block. Abandoned, that is except, for the freakish monsters that roamed it's corridors, and, strangely, a little girl. A few moments ago he had heard a blood chilling scream just up the corridor. As he approached the door of the room the sound had come from, something else caught his attention. There was someone - or _something_ - just past the bars that blocked the passageway a little further up. Something vaguely man shaped. He approached the barrier cautiously to get a closer look at whatever was there.

"Ner ner ner ner!" the imposing figure shouted at him suddenly, waggling it's hand in front of it's face, which seemed to be a large rusty metal pyramid. This sudden movement made James jump in surprise, and he leapt backwards. "You can't catch me!" it giggled and ran off into the darkness.

James just stood there, wondering what the hell all that was about.

***

As James entered Room 307, he was greeted by a bizarre sight. In the kitchen area of the apartment, the creature he had met earlier - which he had decided to call Pyramid Head - was doing what looked like a strange dance with of the two leg mutant thingies. Quickly deciding that discretion was the better part of valour, he rushed into the nearby cupboard and shut the door. But for some reason he forgot to turn his light off. Silly bugger.

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY, BITCH?!" cried Pyramid Head, who had not noticed James, while he did something unspeakable to the other monsters. He suddenly caught sight of the light coming from the cupboard. "Hey, is there anyone in there?" he said, dropping the monster he was holding to the floor, both of them now laying motionless on the floor, while he headed towards the cupboard.

James almost wet himself. "No, there isn't!" he yelled out plaintively.

"Oh my god!" Pyramid Head screamed, catching sight of James though the gaps. "You damn voyeur! Spying on me and my lady friends!"

"I'm only, er, um," said James, trying to think fast, "I'm only checking this cupboard for dry rot! Yeah, that's it! Dry rot!"

"Oh, okay," said Pyramid Head, as walked away towards the door. James relaxed, but tensed up again when the monster came back. "You haven't seen a blond man wandering around out there, have you? Only I'm supposed to be scaring the shit out of him, but I can't seem to find him."

"Well, you're doing a good job," muttered James under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said I haven't seen any blonde man around."

"Ah, sod it! I better go and look for him or the boss will kick my ass!" Pyramid head stalked off and slammed the door behind him.

"Whew, I didn't think he'd fall for that!" said James as he came out of the cupboard. His eyes widened in alarm. "Pardon?!"

NOT LIKE THAT!

***

James now had the key for Blue Creek Apartments' stairwell, so perhaps now he could leave this hellish place and get outside where it was a little bit safer. But as he opened the door and went through it, he was surprised to come across the scene of Pyramid Head in a furious argument with a spitter.

"IS!" said Pyramid Head.

"ISN'T!" said the spitter.

"IS!"

"ISN'T!"

"Look, this IS how you do the Kevin Nash's finisher!" Pyramid Head shouted, before stuffing the spitter's head between his legs, picked it up by the waist, pulled it over his shoulders and threw it to the floor headfirst, the monster landing with an audible thump. "Wolf Pack in the house!" he cried, exultant. He looked down at the spitter's body, tentatively poking at it with his foot. "Er, are you alright?" he asked it.

"AHEM!" said James loudly.

He looked up and saw James standing there. "Er, it wasn't me!" he said, as he jumped back from the body.

"You've killed him, haven't you?" said James, horrified. "Just think of that poor spitter's children! Their mother will have to explain why their daddy isn't coming home tonight! And anyway, that was Scott Hall's finisher, the Outsider's Edge, Kevin Nash's is the Jack Knife Powerbomb."

"It's not my fault! He made me do it!" Pyramid head pleaded, ignoring that last comment. A idea suddenly hit him. "I know! I'll get rid of all the witnesses! Then no one will ever know…" He started to advance towards James, dragging an enormous sword behind him, which seemed to have appeared from nowhere.

"Shit!" James cried. In desperation, he turned around, but found that the door had shut behind him. He tried to open the door, but to no avail, as it had seemed to have locked itself. But after five minutes of frantic wrenching on the handle, James wondered why he hadn't been chopped in half. He looked back to see the monster clutching his side. "What the hell's wrong with you?" he asked.

"I've got a stitch," Pyramid Head said in meek voice that really didn't suit him.

"A STITCH?!" said James disbelievingly.

"Yes, a stitch!" he replied, slightly annoyed he had to repeat himself.

"Oh, come on!" said James, unsympathetic to Pyramid Head's plight. "You're suppose to be an unstoppable demonic horror, and you've got a stitch?"

"Well, you try dragging this thing around with you everywhere! It's bloody heavy!" he replied irritably, indicating the huge knife he had been carrying. Suddenly, a siren sounded from nowhere. "Oh, good! Clocking off time! See you later!"

"Hey! Come back here!" James cried after the creature as he ambled down the flooded stairs. "You're suppose to be chasing me around the room!"

"Sod that!" Pyramid Head shouted back. "I'm going home to watch EastEnders! Maybe I'll chase you around later! Bye!"

James watched him leave from the top of the stairs. "EastEnders?!" he muttered, incredulous. "Everybody knows that Coronation Street is much better!"

***

James had chased that little girl he had first seen in Wood Side Apartments, Laura, into Brookhaven Hospital. He had been accompanied by Maria, the woman he had found at Rose Water Park who looked uncannily like Mary. After much searching, he had left Maria - who had suddenly became ill and had to rest for a while - in one of the rooms further back down the corridor.

As he opened the last door along and entered the room beyond, he noticed that on the bed was a box done up with several chains and padlocks. As he went closer to examine it, he noticed something scrawled on the wall to his right.

"What the hell?" muttered James, staring in disbelief as he read the graffiti.

It read: DAI KARI FOUR EVER!!!

***

James was now on the roof of the hospital, standing near the edge of the roof and staring though the wire fence. Night had fallen and now everything seemed even more threatening than before, if that was even possible. He had tried to open the door of the elevator control room, but that had proven fruitless, so he decided to head back down to see if Maria was okay.

"BOO!!!" Pyramid Head shouted right into James's face just as he turned around.

"Oh my god!" cried James, flying backwards knocking over the wire fence, panicking, but quickly regaining his composure when he saw who it was. "Do you have to be so damn childish? This is suppose to be a very serious game!" he said in an admonishing tone, arms folded. "When I first met you, you were scary, but not-" He stopped when he noticed that Pyramid Head was pointing downwards. So James looked in the direction he was indicating. And then wished he hadn't, because he now seemed to be suspended in mid-air.

"AAARRRGGGHHH!!!" he screamed, arms and legs flailing as he tried to keep airborne. But gravity won and he plummeted though the roof below, leaving a dust cloud in his wake.

Pyramid Head peered over the side after him. "Meep meep," he said simply.

***

James was tense as he walked down the corridor underneath the hospital, holding the shotgun he had found earlier at the ready, with Maria close behind, expecting some abomination to jump out at him at any moment.

"All these corridors are starting to look the same," muttered Maria as she stopped. "Hey!" she cried suddenly, "somebody just grabbed my butt!" She span around to see Pyramid Head standing there, looking slightly embarrassed.

He held his hands up in an attempt to placate her. "It was an accident!" he implored. "I just walked into your back when you stopped!"

"I BET, YOU PERVERT!!!" the blonde woman shouted, and then there was a resounding clang as she slapped the side of his triangular helmet. "I'll see you in court for sexual harassment!"

"Well, you just hit me!" Pyramid Head shot back. "I can get you done for assault!"

"AHEM!" They both turned to see James standing there, arms akimbo, with an annoyed look on his face. "Stop that at once you two!" he scolded them. He then aimed his gaze at squarely at Pyramid Head, who looked away guiltily, hands behind his back. "Me and Maria are suppose to be running away from you in mortal terror like you promised earlier, not discussing lawsuits!"

Pyramid Head waved his spear in the air gleefully. "Better get running then!"

James and Maria nodded to each other, and then suddenly they started to run in fast forward with Pyramid Head chasing them down the corridor, while the Benny Hill theme played in the background.

"Oh, stop it! You're ruining the atmosphere!" said James, now running at normal speed.

Sorry, I just thought it was appropriate.

"Well, you can keep your ideas to yourself in the future."

Oh, look! There are the lift doors! And they're closing ever so slowly! Run, James! RUN! AHAHAHA!

"Bastard."

Charming. Anyway, back to the narration. James reached the lift, but Maria wasn't running very fast, as she seemed to be running in slow motion. In fact, she WAS running in slow motion. By the time she reached the doors, the gap was too small for her to get though.

"Maria!" cried James.

"James!" cried Maria.

"Maria!"

"James!"

"Maria!"

"James!"

"Maria!"

"James!"

Get on with it!

"Sorry," they muttered together.

James watched in horror as Pyramid Head skewered Maria as the doors finally closed. "Nooooooooooooooooooo-" James cried, then took a deep breath before continuing, "-ooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

James turned around and slumped against the doors, sliding down them in despair. A short while later, the doors opened with a ping. James fell backwards and banged his head on the floor. "Ow," he said.

***

It slowly shuffled along, the filthy water sloshing about it's short stubby legs, as the bizarre monster stalked the dark corridors of the mysterious Labyrinth in search of James Sunderland. 

"Freeze!" said a quiet, yet forceful voice behind Pyramid Head

He dropped the spear and his hands shot into the air, wondering how on earth the man had managed to sneak up on him. "Take anything you want just don't hit my face!" he wailed.

"Hey, hey, calm down, just give me your dog tags," said the man, who had moved round to face Pyramid Head. For some reason he looked very familiar.

"But I don't have any dog tags!" he pleaded. He took a closer look at the man holding him up, and suddenly realised who it was. "Hey, wait a minute! I know you! You're Solid Snake! You're in the wrong game, mate! This is Silent Hill 2!"

"Aw, shit!" muttered Snake, rolling his eyes. "Otacon's gone and done it again! I'm really sorry."

"That's quite all right, I won't tell anyone," Pyramid Head said magnanimously. Just then, a thought struck him. "Hang on, if you're here, where's James…?"

***

"I grew up on the battlefield," cried Olga as she ran for cover after firing a few shots at the American. "Conflict and victory were my parents."

"Look! I don't really care about that!" James shouted back at the Russian woman, while trying to avoid being shot by her by hiding behind a crate. "I'm only trying to find my wife!" 

***

When he reached the end of the long corridor, James brushed a tear away from his face. The conversation he had just heard had been the last one he had with Mary before he… before he had killed her. Steeling himself, he pushed open the door in front of him, prepared for whatever was on the other side of it. As he walked into the large room beyond, James noticed that two Pyramid Heads were standing on a platform above him, and he knew instinctively that they were waiting for him.

"Prepare for trouble," said one of the monsters.

"And make it double," the other one cried.

"To protect the world from devastation,"

"To unite all peoples within our nation,"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love,"

"To extended our reach to the stars above,"

"Pyramid Head!"

"Er, Pyramid Head two!"

"Team Samael blasts off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"

"Maria! That's right!"

"Pika?" said James, confused, wondering where the hell she had just come from. "Maria, what in the name of Ozzy Osbourne are you doing up there?" he asked the woman, who was currently upside down in an oblong cage.

"Oh, just hanging around," she replied, and a drum roll came from nowhere.

Everybody looked around. "Where the hell did that come from?" inquired one of the Pyramid Heads.

"Sod that," said the other one. "Kill her and let's get the pretty boy over there!"

"Hey, this must be a new record!" said Maria. "This'll be the third time I've diaaarrrggghhh!!!" she was unceremoniously cut off as the Pyramid Head impaled her. Again.

James collapsed to his knees. "Maria! NOOOO-"

We've already used that joke, James.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," He apologised as he climbed back to his feet. "I better get running," he murmured as the two monsters approached him, waving their spears menacingly.

And so, for a very long time, James ran from corner to corner, the Pyramid Heads in close, if somewhat slow, pursuit, with the blond man occasionally taking a shot at them with his rifle.

"Oh, I'm sick of this! It's taking far too long!" one of them complained after about twenty minutes. "It's his fault for putting the difficulty on hard!" he said as he pointed at the player. But not the narrator. There is a difference, you know.

"Hey, I know!" said the other one. "Let's show him our victory dance!"

"Yeah, it 's something different! We haven't done that for ages!" the first one said excitedly.

"Please don't," said James. He didn't really want to see Pyramid Head cheerleaders.

Of course, they ignored him, and started twirling their spears around like batons. The finale of their show was suppose to have them balancing their chins on their spears. But that was when it all went horribly wrong.

"Hey!" said James, clapping, realising they had finished. "You guys are actually pretty good!" When nether of them replied, he started to get a little worried. "Guys?"

He went up to them for a closer look and found out they were both dead. So he stole their eggs and wallets, and then he buggered off to face the last boss. "Looks like Team Samael got skewered again," he muttered as he left.

***

It was over. It was finally over. Mary had understood that what James had done was because he loved her and couldn't stand to see her suffer anymore, so she had forgiven him for killing her out of mercy. He was now leaving Silent Hill with Laura, hopefully forever. The little girl had gone on in front of James, and was now waiting inside his car for him. He opened the door, climbed inside and he took hold of the steering wheel. "You know, this endings a bit rubbish isn't it?" he asked Laura after a few moments.

"Yeah," replied the little girl, disappointedly. "I was expecting Mary to come back to life." She thought for a moment before saying, "And a bit more CG, of course"

"But guys, I am alive!" said a voice from the back of the car.

"Mary!" cried James and Laura in unison, as they saw the blonde woman sitting in the back.

"Hi, guys!" she said, grinning.

"I thought you were dead! I killed you!" said James joyfully.

"You did, but I got better!" replied Mary.

"Hey, don't forget little old me!" said the person sitting on the other side of the back seat.

"Eddie! This is great!" cried Laura, even happier.

"And me too!" somebody else said as they tapped on the window on the driver's side.

"My god!" James said in delighted surprise. "Angela! Come on, get in!" The girl grinned as she climbed in the back. 

James started the car, reversed out of the parking space and drove along the road, away from Silent Hill. "How about some music?" he asked his passengers.

"YEAH!" they all cried at once.

"I take everything I said back, this is a great ending!" James said happily as he turned on the radio and, lo and behold, Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen was playing, and all five of them started to sing along.

Hmm, I think I preferred the 'In Water' ending, actually.

***

Meanwhile, back down the road, a squat figure watched them leave. "Well, they've sodded off at last," Pyramid Head muttered. "Perhaps I can take this bloody thing off now." He took the large metal helmet off, revealing who had been hiding under it all that time. "Ugh, I could hardly breath under that thing!" said Lawrence Miles.


End file.
